The sting of an unfair call in youth sports can linger far beyond the game, touching on essential lessons about fairness, emotional regulation, and resilience. Here's a deeper look into how these moments are not just challenges but opportunities for growth, according to developmental science and human performance research. As with all youth sports moments, try to picture the 28 year old version of your child. What is needed now for them to thrive in life later?
Unfair Calls Happen All the Time with Many Direct Impacts
Lost at-bat in baseball from an unfair called 3rd strike
Lose possession in football, basketball, soccer or hockey from a bad call
Have the thrill of a goal called back
Lose a game, despite significant effort
Knocked out of a tournament
And many more....
Doesn't this happen later in life too, outside of sports?! How are you going to help your child be ready to deal with those in the best way?
The Role of Dealing with Unfairness in Life
There are three steps to managing these situations effectively:
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Recognizing and naming emotions is pivotal. Human performance researchers argue that acknowledging emotions is the first step towards managing them effectively.
Move On: To make your "next step your best", it's essential to shift focus from the unfairness to what can be controlled—your actions and attitude moving forward.
Prevent and Prepare: While not all unfair treatment can be prevented, preparation involves strategizing on how to mitigate its impact in the future, fostering resilience and adaptability and problem-solving skills to deal with whatever caused the unfair incident.
How Responding to Unfairness Develops in the Brain
Lisa Feldman Barrett's research illuminates how our brains construct emotions through a combination of lived experience, context, and anticipation. In the context of an unfair call, the young athlete's brain is actively interpreting the situation based on previous experiences and learned responses. This dynamic construction of emotion means that with guidance, children can learn to recalibrate their emotional responses to unfairness, training their brain to respond productively by the time they reach adulthood.
How to Help Your Kids When This Happens
For coaches and parents, the key lies in developmentally appropriate responses. For all ages begin by acknowledging the unfair event and validating the child's feelings. This recognition is crucial for them to move to learning. This isn't "soft." This necessary for the brain to enable the child to learn in a way that will have the desired growth for later in life. After acknowledging, learning will happen best if the approach is tailored to their cognitive developmental stage. Jean Piaget developed stages that can be used as a guide.
Preoperational (2-7 years):
Experience: May perceive unfairness but lack the ability to fully articulate feelings.
Approach: Simplify explanations of fairness and focus on expressing and naming emotions.
Example: "It's okay to feel sad when things don't go our way. What can we do to feel better?"
Concrete Operational (7-11 years):
Experience: Begins to understand fairness and can apply concrete, logical reasoning to situations.
Approach: Discuss the concept of control and focus on what actions they can take next. Give concrete hands-on examples that can be analogized to the feelings.
Example: "Sometimes, we can't control what calls are made, but we can control how hard we play next." Have them wear a back-pack full of rocks and have them try to throw, or run, or shoot a basket. Tell them the rocks are like them hanging on to the emotions, preventing them from playing their best. Then take out the rocks and have them try again, and explain that taking the rocks out is like letting go of the emotions. Then come up with ways to apply this in action the next time, like "taking a deep breath is like removing the rocks."
Formal Operational (12 years and up):
Experience: Can grasp abstract concepts like justice and ethical fairness.
Approach: Encourage critical thinking about fairness and strategies for emotional regulation.
Example: "Let's talk about why that felt unfair and what we can learn from this for next time." "If you can move on from the emotion, you will be happier and you will be able to play better, which will make you happier. So you can either choose to remain upset at the official, or you can choose a path that leads to better play and more happiness."
10 Phrases That Teach Kids How to Deal with Unfair Calls
For Ages 3-6 (Preoperational Stage - Piaget)
1. "It's okay to feel upset when things don't go your way. What's important is what you do next. Let's think of what you can do."
2. "Even when you can't change what happened, you can always decide to keep trying and having fun."
3. "Remember, playing and trying your best is the most important thing. Winning or losing doesn't define how great you are."
For Ages 7-11 (Concrete Operational Stage - Piaget)
4. "Sometimes, you learn the most when things don't go as expected. What do you think we learned today?"
5. "Let's think of one thing you can do better next time, no matter what calls are made. It's all about how you grow."
6. "How you handle tough times shows how strong you are. Show your strength by focusing on your next play."
For Ages 12+ (Formal Operational Stage - Piaget)
7. "This challenge is an opportunity for you to push your limits and grow. Focus on what you can control and make your next game even better."
8. "Reflecting on this game, what are some strategies you can develop for dealing with tough calls in the future?"
9. "It's not just about winning this game but about growing into a stronger individual. Think about how you can use this experience to your advantage."
10. "Let's discuss how you can support yourself when things don't go your way. Resilience makes you unstoppable."
10 Phrases Not to Say When Dealing with Unfair Calls
"Just forget about it and move on." (Dismisses valid feelings)
"Stop complaining; it doesn’t matter." (Invalidates the child’s perception of fairness)
"The referee is terrible." (Encourages blaming others)
"It's not a big deal." (Minimizes the child's experience)
"You're overreacting." (Critiques the child's emotional response)
"They cheated us." (Promotes a victim mentality)
"Don't let them see you upset." (Implies emotions should be hidden)
"You should have played better." (Places undue responsibility on the child)
"We'll get them next time." (Overlooks the opportunity for learning in the moment)
"Just win the next one." (Focuses solely on outcomes, not growth or effort)
The Neuroscience Behind Dealing with Unfair Calls in Sports
The moment an official makes an unfair call against a young athlete, a complex neural orchestra begins to play within the brain, a performance shaped by the interplay of emotions, cognitive processes, and past experiences. This intricate neural activity, akin to the phenomena explored by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett and other neuroscientists, reveals much about how we perceive fairness, process disappointment, and learn resilience.
The Initial Reaction: Perception and Emotion
When a young athlete perceives an unfair call, the amygdala, a key player in the brain's emotional processing system, activates, triggering an immediate emotional response—often disappointment, frustration, or anger. This reaction is not just emotional but deeply entwined with the brain's prediction machinery. The brain, always anticipating the future based on past experiences, experiences a jolt when reality deviates sharply from its predictions, especially in a context governed by clear rules and expectations.
Cognitive Appraisal: Understanding Unfairness
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for higher-order thinking and regulation of emotions, steps in to appraise the situation. It attempts to reconcile the initial emotional response with a cognitive understanding of what happened. This is where the athlete's developmental stage, as outlined by Piaget, comes into play. A younger child might struggle more with this process, needing guidance to navigate their emotions and understand the concept of unfairness within the larger context of the game and sportsmanship.
Shaping the Neural Pathways: Learning from Experience
As Dr. Barrett's work suggests, the brain uses experiences to shape future predictions and responses. In the context of an unfair call, how the young athlete, coaches, and parents respond can significantly influence the development of neural pathways associated with emotional regulation, adaptability, and resilience. Positive framing of the experience, emphasizing effort, learning, and growth, reinforces neural circuits that prepare the athlete to face future challenges with a constructive attitude.
Conversely, dwelling on the unfairness or responding with negativity can strengthen neural pathways associated with stress responses and anticipation of negative outcomes, making it harder for the athlete to bounce back from setbacks in the future. This neural conditioning can affect not only their sports performance but their broader approach to challenges in life.
Building Resilience: Neural and Emotional Development
Cultivating resilience in the face of unfair calls involves reinforcing the brain's capacity for positive anticipation, even in the wake of disappointment. Practices that encourage reflection on effort, learning from mistakes, and seeing challenges as opportunities for growth contribute to a neural foundation for resilience. Over time, this helps the young athlete develop a mindset that anticipates positive outcomes and growth opportunities, even in challenging situations, facilitating a more resilient and adaptive response.
In sum, the neuroscience behind dealing with unfair calls in youth sports illuminates the crucial role of coaching and parental guidance in shaping not just immediate reactions but long-term emotional and cognitive development. By fostering a supportive environment that emphasizes growth, learning, and resilience, adults can help young athletes develop the neural groundwork for thriving in the face of life's inevitable unfairness.
A Tale of Growth and Setbacks: The Unfair Call
Chapter 1: The Unseen Challenge
In the bustling city of Fairview, the spirited Panthers Baseball Team, a group of dedicated young athletes, was in the midst of their most anticipated season yet. Under the guidance of Coach Thompson, known for his wisdom and nurturing approach, the Panthers were climbing the ranks, defying expectations. Among them was 9-year-old Ethan, whose love for baseball was as vast as the field itself.
Ethan, though not the star player, carried a relentless drive to improve, his determination shining even on the toughest days. Coach Thompson saw in Ethan not just a player, but the heart of the team, embodying resilience and passion.
Chapter 2: The Test of Spirit
Across town, the Falcons, led by Coach Daniels, epitomized excellence and discipline. Their practices were rigorous, leaving no room for error. Jake, their ace, stood out for his flawless performance, but beneath his skill lay a pressure-cooker of expectations.
As the season unfolded, both teams faced their share of victories and lessons. For Ethan and the Panthers, every game was a step toward growth, with Coach Thompson using each moment, good or bad, as a teachable opportunity.
Chapter 3: The Unfair Call
Then came the day that would test Ethan's resolve. In a crucial game against the Falcons, with the bases loaded, Ethan stepped up to bat, his team trailing by one run. The air was tense, every heartbeat echoing through the field. The pitch came, clearly outside, yet the umpire called a third strike, silencing the crowd and dashing the Panthers' hopes.
Ethan stood frozen, disbelief turning to frustration. Coach Thompson called a timeout, not to contest the call, but to gather his team, their spirits waning.
Chapter 4: Turning Point
In the dugout, Coach Thompson faced a sea of disappointed faces. "This," he said, "is where we learn. Not when we're cheering a home run, but right now, when the game throws us a curve we didn't expect."
He turned to Ethan, "That call, fair or not, is part of the game. What matters is what we do next. Do we let it define us, or do we rise above?"
The game resumed, and though the Panthers didn't win that day, they left the field with their heads held high, their resolve stronger than ever.
Chapter 5: Beyond the Field
As the season progressed, the Panthers, fueled by their newfound resilience, faced each game with a robust spirit. Ethan, inspired by the lesson of the unfair call, embraced every opportunity to grow, his mistakes transforming into stepping stones.
On the other side, the Falcons, though technically superior, struggled to maintain their lead. The pressure to perform flawlessly began to erode their joy for the game, each mistake a weight too heavy to bear.
Chapter 6: Lessons Learned
The season's end saw the Panthers finishing stronger than predicted, their journey marked by growth, unity, and the courage to face adversity. Ethan, now more confident, became a beacon of resilience for his team.
Conversely, the Falcons, despite their skill, finished the season with a sense of unfulfillment, the joy of the game overshadowed by the fear of failure.
Epilogue: The Echoes of Resilience
Years later, Ethan and Jake would remember this season not for the wins or losses but for the lessons it taught them. Ethan, carrying forward the resilience nurtured by Coach Thompson, approached life with a readiness to learn from every experience.
Jake, reflecting on the past, realized the value of resilience over perfection, a lesson he wished he had learned sooner.
Their story, a testament to the power of coaching and perspective, highlights how resilience, nurtured in the face of challenges, shapes not just athletes but individuals prepared to navigate the complexities of life with grace and strength.
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